How Can Sports Parents Help Young Athletes Start Building Confidence?
Summary
Does your young athlete replay every mistake after a game — and ignore everything they did well? If so, they are likely dealing with perfectionism. Dr. Patrick Cohn explains what drives self-criticism in young athletes, how parents can unintentionally make it worse, and the practical steps you can take to help your athlete build confidence and adopt a growth mindset after competition.
When Your Athlete Can’t Let Go After the Game
Does your young athlete focus only on mistakes after they compete? Do they criticize their performance instead of looking at what they can learn and improve? Do they completely overlook what they did well — even after a strong effort or a win?
If this sounds familiar, your athlete is likely a perfectionist. And perfectionism is one of the most common mental game challenges Dr. Cohn sees in young athletes.
Perfectionism is not just about being hard-working or highly motivated. Those are healthy traits. The problem is when perfectionism causes athletes to judge themselves harshly, focus only on their failures, and carry negative thoughts home with them long after the competition is over.
Left unaddressed, this pattern gradually erodes confidence. And without confidence, young athletes cannot perform up to their potential — no matter how talented they are.
What Perfectionism Looks Like in Young Athletes
According to Dr. Cohn’s Mental Edge system, perfectionist athletes have incredibly high expectations for their performance. When they fall short of those expectations — which is inevitable, because no athlete performs perfectly every time — they become frustrated, self-critical, and often dwell on their mistakes for hours after a game.
A survey of more than 3,000 sports parents confirmed that perfectionism is among the top challenges parents observe in their young athletes. These athletes over-analyze mistakes, focus too much on being perfect, and struggle to let go of errors and move forward.
You might notice your athlete replaying missed opportunities on the car ride home. They may brood all evening, skip dinner, or have trouble sleeping because they are still thinking about a play that happened hours ago. Some athletes bring that negativity into the next practice or game — and the cycle continues.
The core problem is this: perfectionists evaluate their performance in all-or-nothing terms. Either the performance was good or it was bad. There is no middle ground. And because no performance is ever perfect, they almost always land on “bad” — no matter how well they actually competed.
Why Self-Criticism Hurts Confidence Over Time
Confidence in sports is built through positive experiences — successes, improvements, moments of skill and composure under pressure. When a young athlete only focuses on what went wrong, they are actively blocking themselves from drawing confidence from their actual performance.
Dr. Cohn identifies self-critical post-performance evaluation as one of the top ten confidence killers for athletes. Each time your athlete walks off the field focused only on their mistakes, they are training their brain to scan for failure rather than growth. Over time, this pattern creates fragile, unstable confidence that crumbles the moment things get difficult in competition.
The athlete who only sees their mistakes is not just being hard on themselves in the short term. They are building a mental habit that will undermine their performance for years if it goes uncorrected.
The Two Sides of Perfectionism: What to Keep and What to Change
It is important to understand that perfectionism is not entirely negative. Dr. Cohn teaches that perfectionism has a helpful side and an unhelpful side — and your goal as a parent is to reinforce the helpful traits while helping your athlete manage the unhelpful ones.
The helpful side of perfectionism includes high motivation, a strong work ethic, commitment to goals, and a genuine love of practice and improvement. These are competitive assets. Perfectionist athletes are often the most coachable players on a team because they genuinely want to learn and get better.
The unhelpful side of perfectionism includes high and rigid expectations, fragile confidence, anxiety in competition, and harsh self-criticism after performing. These traits interfere with performance and make it harder for athletes to enjoy their sport.
Your job as a sports parent is not to eliminate the drive and high standards that make your athlete competitive. It is to help them apply those standards in a way that builds confidence rather than tearing it down.
The Growth Mindset: A Better Way to Evaluate Performance
The antidote to self-criticism in young athletes is what Dr. Cohn calls a growth perspective — evaluating performance in a way that is helpful to confidence rather than destructive to it.
The goal is not to pretend that mistakes did not happen. It is to give mistakes their proper weight alongside what the athlete did well. A balanced post-game evaluation builds confidence game to game, rather than slowly eroding it.
The Two-and-Two Method
After every competition, help your athlete identify two things they did well — mentally or physically — and two things they want to improve in their next practice or competition.
The two things they did well anchor their confidence in what actually happened. They might have made a strong defensive play, stayed composed after an error, executed a technique they have been working on, or competed hard in a close game. These moments matter, and they deserve to be acknowledged.
The two things they want to improve shift their focus forward in a productive direction. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, they are asking what they can learn and how they can grow. That is the growth mindset in action.
Ask your athlete to assess and then move on. To school, to homework, to friends, to other activities. Sports should not occupy their mind all evening. One of the most important things you can do for a young perfectionist is model and reinforce the habit of letting go once the evaluation is complete.
How Parents Can Help — and When They Unintentionally Make It Worse
Sports parents want the best for their athletes. But well-meaning post-game conversations can sometimes backfire — especially with perfectionist athletes.
When you discuss your athlete’s mistakes after a game, even with the intention of helping them improve, you are reinforcing the very pattern you are trying to break. A perfectionist athlete who already replays every error does not need another voice analyzing what went wrong. They need to be reminded of what went right — and then helped to let go.
Dr. Cohn’s Mental Edge workbook for sports parents recommends a simple rule: if you are not sure what to say after a competition, say this instead: “I enjoyed watching you play today.” That single sentence communicates unconditional support without adding analytical pressure.
Your athlete should feel that your love and respect for them is completely separate from how they perform. When athletes sense that your approval depends on their results, they carry the weight of that pressure into competition. It makes them play scared rather than freely.
If you observe mental game challenges in your athlete — excessive self-criticism, inability to let go of mistakes, lack of confidence — communicate those observations to their coach or mental performance coach rather than discussing them directly with your athlete in the hours after a game.
Practical Tips for Sports Parents of Perfectionist Athletes
After the Game
Lead with the Two-and-Two method. Ask your athlete what two things they did well and what two things they want to work on. Keep the conversation brief and forward-looking. Then close the sports conversation entirely and let them transition back to the rest of their life.
During the Week
Help your athlete understand that mistakes are a normal and necessary part of athletic development — not evidence of failure. Dr. Cohn teaches that sport is not a game of perfection. The goal in competition is to perform functionally — to use whatever skills they have that day and compete as effectively as possible — not to execute every play perfectly.
Before the Next Competition
Reinforce process goals over outcome goals before games. Instead of “I hope you win today” or “make sure you score,” try “focus on competing your hardest” or “play your game and trust your training.” Process-focused encouragement reduces the pressure your athlete feels and helps them compete more freely.
The Bottom Line
Young athletes who only focus on mistakes are not building confidence — they are chipping away at it. The good news is that the self-critical pattern is a learned mental habit, and it can be unlearned with the right support.
Help your athletes adopt a growth perspective after competition. Ask them what they did well and what they want to improve. Help them assess, learn, and move on. Keep your post-game communication focused on support rather than analysis.
When young athletes learn to evaluate their performances in a way that grows their confidence rather than diminishing it, they compete with more freedom, more enjoyment, and more of their true potential on the field.
If your young athlete is struggling with perfectionism and self-criticism, Peak Performance Sports offers mental coaching for athletes and parents worldwide. Call 407-909-1700 or visit YouthSportsPsychology.com to learn more about how we can help.
Frequently Asked Questions for Sports Parents About Perfectionism and Self-Criticism
Why does my child only focus on mistakes after games?
Most young athletes who dwell on mistakes are perfectionists. They hold high, rigid expectations for their performance and evaluate themselves harshly when those expectations are not met. This is not a character flaw — it often comes from strong motivation and high standards. But when self-criticism becomes the dominant post-game habit, it erodes confidence over time. The antidote is teaching athletes to evaluate their performances in a balanced, growth-focused way that acknowledges both what went well and what they want to improve.
What should I say to my child after a bad game?
Keep it simple and supportive. Dr. Cohn’s recommendation for sports parents is straightforward: tell your athlete you enjoyed watching them play. This communicates unconditional support without adding any analytical pressure to a perfectionist who is already being hard on themselves. Avoid dissecting mistakes, offering technical corrections, or comparing their performance to previous games. Once your athlete has had time to decompress, you can gently ask what they felt they did well and what they want to work on — but keep it brief and forward-looking.
How do I teach my young athlete to have a growth mindset in sports?
Start with the two-and-two method after every competition: ask your athlete to identify two things they did well and two things they want to improve next time. This structured reflection trains athletes to look for progress rather than just mistakes. Reinforce that errors are a normal part of competing and that improvement comes from learning, not from dwelling. Celebrate effort and process over results. When athletes understand that games are opportunities to grow rather than tests they can pass or fail, the growth mindset begins to take hold naturally.
Is perfectionism bad for young athletes?
Not entirely. Perfectionism has genuine advantages — high motivation, strong work ethic, commitment to improvement, and coachability. These are assets in any competitive sport. The problem is the unhelpful side of perfectionism: rigid expectations, harsh self-judgment, fragile confidence, and anxiety in competition. As a sports parent, the goal is to reinforce the drive and high standards while helping your athlete manage the self-critical patterns that undermine their performance and enjoyment. With the right mental skills, perfectionists can become some of the most resilient and consistent performers on any team.
Can a mental performance coach help my perfectionist athlete?
Yes — and often significantly. A qualified mental performance coach works directly with athletes on the mental habits driving their self-criticism: high expectations, negative self-talk, all-or-nothing performance evaluation, and the inability to let go of mistakes. Dr. Patrick Cohn has worked with young athletes and their parents for more than 35 years, helping them develop the mental skills to compete with confidence, composure, and a genuine enjoyment of their sport. If your athlete is struggling with perfectionism, reaching out for mental coaching support is one of the most effective steps you can take.
About the Author
Dr. Patrick Cohn is a master mental performance coach and the founder of Peak Performance Sports. With more than 35 years of experience working with youth athletes, competitive players, and sports parents, Dr. Cohn is one of the most respected sports psychologists in the world. He is the creator of the Mental Edge system and the founder of the Mental Game Coaching Professional (MGCP) certification program. Dr. Cohn works with athletes and parents worldwide via video coaching sessions. To schedule a free 15-minute consultation, call 407-909-1700 or visit YouthSportsPsychology.com.
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We’re certain that, as a parents, you want to help your child develop confidence and discipline in sports and life. And as a sports parent, you’d love for your children to reach their potential in sports. But encouraging your child to strive for greatness without pressuring them can be a challenge.
“Michelle had the best weekend of soccer she has ever played. She was relaxed, did not get frustrated with herself or teammates, and never once ‘shut down.’ Numerous parents noticed a difference in her composure and attitude. Thanks again for EVERYTHING… Michelle is in a very good place right now!”*
~Diana, Michelle’s Mother
Kids Sports Psychology expert Patrick Cohn, Ph.D. has helped athletes for over 35 years to enhance their performance. Dr. Cohn earned a master’s degree in sports psychology from CSUF and a Ph.D. from the University of Virginia, specializing in Applied Sports Psychology. Today, he is the president and founder of Peak Performance Sports, LLC in Orlando, Florida.