Helping Kids Manage Pressure-Filled Expectations in Sports

How Can Sports Parents Help Young Athletes Manage Pressure?

Summary

Pressure is a normal part of competitive sports — but when expectations pile up, young athletes stop competing freely and start playing scared. Dr. Patrick Cohn explains where sports pressure really comes from, how parents can unintentionally add to it, and the practical steps you can take to help your young athlete manage expectations and perform at their best.

Why Pressure Is Overwhelming So Many Young Athletes

Pressure is part of sports. It always has been. You would be hard pressed to find a young athlete who has never felt the weight of expectations before a big game or during a tight playoff run.

But as kids become more competitive — as the stakes get higher, the training gets more serious, and the social visibility of performance increases — pressure seems to grow with it. For many young athletes, it becomes one of the most difficult parts of the competitive experience.

The challenge is that pressure is not one-size-fits-all. It has different sources, is perceived differently by each athlete, and affects performance in very different ways. Some athletes respond to pressure by rising to the moment. Others shrink, play tentatively, or try to avoid mistakes rather than go after the play.

As a sports parent, understanding where that pressure comes from is the first step toward helping your athlete manage it.

Where Sports Pressure Really Comes From

When young athletes feel pressure before or during competition, it almost always traces back to one source: expectations. Specifically, the gap between what athletes think they should do and what they believe they can deliver.

These expectations show up in many forms. Your athlete might think, “I have to be perfect and make no mistakes.” They might feel responsible for carrying their team or worry that a poor performance will cost them their starting spot. They want you to be proud of them. They do not want to disappoint their coach. They worry about what their teammates will think if they make an error at a critical moment.

Most of this pressure is self-induced. Young athletes assume that the people around them have the same high standards for their performance that they have for themselves. Whether or not that is actually true, the belief that others are watching and judging creates real pressure.

According to a survey of more than 3,000 sports parents conducted by Dr. Cohn’s team, parents consistently identified performance pressure and worry about what others think as two of the top challenges they observe in their young athletes. The pressure feels external to athletes, but in most cases, they are generating it themselves based on what they imagine others expect.

What Happens When Expectations Get Too High

When young athletes feel the weight of high expectations, one of two things typically happens — and neither is good for performance.

The first response is trying to perform perfectly. The athlete becomes so focused on avoiding mistakes that they stop competing freely. Every decision is filtered through the question of whether it might go wrong. They become tight, careful, and tentative rather than bold and instinctive.

The second response is playing it safe. The athlete stops going for plays that might fail. They pull back from risk, take the conservative option, and compete well within the boundaries of what feels safe. This is the opposite of the assertive, instinctive performance that coaches and parents hope to see.

Dr. Cohn teaches in his Mental Edge system that athletes cannot carry a heavy load of expectations and still perform freely. The two are incompatible. When your athlete is using mental energy to manage worry about outcomes and perceptions, there is no mental energy left for the focused, instinctive execution that peak performance requires.

Kids cannot hoist their team on their back, worry about what their parents will think, avoid mistakes, and compete freely all at the same time. It is simply too much to ask.

The Role Parents Play — Intentionally and Unintentionally

Sports parents are almost always well-meaning. You want your athlete to succeed, and you want to help. But the way that help is communicated can sometimes add to the very pressure you are trying to relieve.

According to Dr. Cohn’s Mental Edge workbook for sports parents, athletes frequently feel pressure to exceed the stated or unstated expectations of their parents. Even when parents never explicitly say “you need to score” or “don’t make mistakes,” young athletes often infer those expectations from body language, tone, post-game questions, and expressions of disappointment.

Your athlete is watching you in the stands. They notice when you react to their errors. They hear the tension in your voice during the car ride home. They feel the difference between a parent who is watching them enjoy competing and a parent who is evaluating their performance.

When athletes sense that your approval depends on their results, it adds a layer of pressure that follows them onto the field. They stop competing for themselves and start competing for you — which is a significant source of stress and one of the leading reasons young athletes eventually lose their motivation to play.

Research cited in Dr. Cohn’s Mental Edge system shows that 75% of all young athletes drop out of sports by age 13. One of the primary reasons is that sport stops being fun and starts feeling like a job filled with pressure to meet others’ expectations.

How to Help Your Athlete Manage Expectations and Compete Freely

Help Them Identify and Let Go of Their Expectations

The first step is awareness. Talk with your athlete about what they tell themselves before a big game. What do they think they should do? What do they worry about? What do they imagine you, their coach, or their teammates expect?

You do not need to argue with those thoughts. Simply helping your athlete become aware of them is powerful. Once they can name the expectation, they can begin to examine whether it is realistic and whether it is helping or hurting their game.

Teach athletes to perform their best when they compete. The goal is not low standards — it is freeing your athlete from rigid demands that create pressure and undermine trust. Replace expectations with small, manageable process goals they can actually control, like competing hard on every play, staying composed after errors, and executing their game plan one moment at a time.

Help Them Stop Worrying About What Others Think

Young athletes engage in what Dr. Cohn calls mind reading — making unfounded assumptions about what coaches, parents, teammates, and fans think of their performance. Your athlete might assume you expect them to be the top scorer, even if you have never said anything close to that. They might worry their coach will bench them after one bad game.

These assumptions are almost always more extreme than reality, but they carry real weight. Help your athlete understand that they need to play for themselves — not to please others. When athletes compete for their own enjoyment and growth rather than for external approval, they play with more freedom, take more risks, and perform closer to their potential.

One practical way to reinforce this: before competition, keep your encouragement process-focused. Instead of “I hope you score” or “play well today,” try “compete hard and have fun” or “play your game and trust your training.” This small shift communicates that your support is unconditional — not tied to the outcome.

Observe the One-Hour Rule After Competition

One of the most practical recommendations Dr. Cohn makes in the Mental Edge sports parents workbook is to observe a one-hour window after competition during which you avoid discussing your athlete’s performance. Let them decompress. Let them transition out of competition mode before the analysis begins.

If you feel the need to say something, say this: “I enjoyed watching you play today.” That single statement communicates support without pressure. It tells your athlete that your relationship with them is not dependent on how they performed.

If your athlete wants to talk about the game, let them lead. Ask what they felt they did well and what they want to work on — and keep the conversation brief and forward-looking. The goal is to help them process, not to conduct a post-game coaching session.

Separate Your Athlete From Their Performance

One of the most important things you can do for a young athlete is to consistently separate who they are as a person from how they perform in sports. Many young athletes tie their self-worth to their results. When they perform well, they feel good about themselves. When they perform poorly, they feel like a failure.

Your job as a parent is to interrupt that connection. Make it clear — in words and in behavior — that you love and respect your athlete regardless of the score. Sports is what they do, not who they are. When athletes feel unconditionally valued, they compete with much less fear and much more freedom.

What You Can Do Starting This Week

Before your athlete’s next competition, resist the urge to give performance-focused encouragement. Focus on effort, enjoyment, and the process. After the game, observe the one-hour rule and lead with your simple, unconditional message of support.

During the week, have one brief conversation with your athlete about what they tell themselves before big games. Listen without judgment. Help them identify one expectation they could let go of — and one process goal they could focus on instead.

These are small changes. But over time, they create a significantly different experience for your young athlete. Less pressure, more freedom, more enjoyment — and ultimately better performance.

The Bottom Line

Pressure in youth sports is real, and it is increasing as competition becomes more serious. But most of the pressure young athletes carry is built on expectations — their own, and the ones they imagine from the people around them.

As a sports parent, you have more influence over your athlete’s pressure levels than you may realize. The way you communicate before and after games, the expectations you express or imply, and the way you respond to their performances all shape how freely and confidently your athlete competes.

Help your athlete let go of rigid expectations, focus on the process, and compete for the love of the game. That is when young athletes perform their best — and enjoy sports the most.

If your young athlete is struggling with performance pressure, Peak Performance Sports offers mental coaching for athletes and parents worldwide. Call 407-909-1700 or visit YouthSportsPsychology.com to learn more.

Frequently Asked Questions for Sports Parents About Pressure and Expectations

Why does my child feel so much pressure in sports?

Most of the pressure young athletes feel comes from expectations — both their own and the ones they believe others have for them. They may think they need to be perfect, carry their team, or impress their parents and coaches. Even when those expectations are self-imposed, they create real stress and make it harder to compete freely. The first step is helping your athlete identify what expectations they are carrying and replacing them with manageable process goals they can control.

How can I tell if I am putting too much pressure on my young athlete?

Some signs to watch for: your athlete seems tense or anxious before games, avoids taking risks or makes very conservative decisions during play, dwells on mistakes after competition, or seems to be competing for your approval rather than their own enjoyment. Ask yourself honestly whether your pre-game encouragement focuses on results or on effort and fun. Notice how you react when your athlete makes errors during a game. Your athlete is watching. Even well-meaning reactions can communicate expectations that add to their pressure.

What should I say to my athlete before a big game?

Keep pre-game communication process-focused and pressure-free. Try phrases like “compete hard and enjoy it,” “play your game and trust your training,” or “I’m proud of you no matter what happens out there.” Avoid outcome-focused language like “I hope you score” or “don’t mess up today.” The goal before competition is to help your athlete feel confident, calm, and free to compete — not to reinforce any expectation about what they need to accomplish.

What is mind reading and how does it affect young athletes?

Mind reading is when young athletes make unfounded assumptions about what their parents, coaches, or teammates think of their performance. Your athlete might assume you expect them to be the star of the game, even though you have never said anything like that. These assumptions create pressure that feels real even when it is based entirely on what athletes imagine rather than what others think. Helping your athlete recognize mind reading — and question whether those assumptions are accurate — is one of the most effective ways to reduce performance pressure.

How do I help my athlete compete freely under pressure?

Start by reducing the expectation load. Help your athlete replace outcome-focused standards with process goals: competing hard on every play, staying composed after mistakes, executing the game plan one moment at a time. Before games, communicate unconditional support that is not tied to results. After games, observe the one-hour rule before discussing performance, and lead with “I enjoyed watching you play today.” Over time, these consistent practices help your athlete learn to compete for the joy of the game — which is when they perform most freely and at their highest level.

About the Author

Dr. Patrick Cohn is a master mental performance coach and the founder of Peak Performance Sports. With more than 35 years of experience working with youth athletes, competitive players, and sports parents, Dr. Cohn is one of the most respected sports psychologists in the world. He is the creator of the Mental Edge system and the founder of the Mental Game Coaching Professional (MGCP) certification program. Dr. Cohn works with athletes and parents worldwide via video coaching sessions. To schedule a free 15-minute consultation, call 407-909-1700 or visit YouthSportsPsychology.com.

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Sports Psychology Programs for Young Athletes

We’re certain that, as a parents,  you want to help your child develop confidence and discipline in sports and life. And as a sports parent, you’d love for your children to reach their potential in sports. But encouraging your child to strive for greatness without pressuring them can be a challenge.

“Michelle had the best weekend of soccer she has ever played. She was relaxed, did not get frustrated with herself or teammates, and never once ‘shut down.’ Numerous parents noticed a difference in her composure and attitude. Thanks again for EVERYTHING… Michelle is in a very good place right now!”*
~Diana, Michelle’s Mother